jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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