I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
