your room smells of hookers.
And success
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
