did you get engaged???
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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