I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
