God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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