Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
