I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Don't EVER smell your tampon
two words...techno handjob
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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