I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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