Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
