happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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