I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Randomize
