I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
