Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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