508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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