It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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