I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
