I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
