Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize