A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
