You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
