Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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