he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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