He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
