Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize