Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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