and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
