if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
