At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
