Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
