i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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