better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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