my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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