So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
