you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
