Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
