I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
what day is it and did you see me today?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize