i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
