Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
