i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
