yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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