I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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