is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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