She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
