u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just invented taco cereal.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize