she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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