You can't special order awesome
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
