this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize