I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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