EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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