I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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