You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
