it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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