P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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