I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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