She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
