I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
