I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
