She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
