obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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